I Can Tell You Love Me Because I Can See Your Exposed Heart Beating Out My Name: Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena

You need to know this right away about Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena (2000):
1. You play as a giant robot whose goal is to beat up and destroy other giant robots.
2. You can upgrade your robot with parts you can purchase or simply knock off of your opponent.
3. Said “rock ‘em sock ‘em” is taking place in front of a cheering crowd, effectively making these robots fighting for your love.
It’s only fair to mention these things as soon as possible so everyone is aware how awesome this game is; the argument is self-evident from these three points. However, the very next point that needs to be made is that Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena plays just like your average mediocre brawler except with customizable robots that can’t jump.
And to lay the final rock atop the remains of this game, history has not been kind to Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena. As awesome as the premise is, as it is clearly shown in the introductory video, critics and audiences just didn’t seem to like it. It was far too early for Pacific Rim and Real Steel, while kids were still getting over the awkwardness of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.
And yet, the year 2000 was the dawn of robot arena fighting. Several TV shows were created in response to the growing demand for robot-on-robot violence. Sawblades and flipping mechanisms ruled the day as fans passionately debated their individual merits as though “styles makes fights”, as Joe Rogan insists.
Despite all these things, Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena still couldn’t live up to its potential awesomeness, even as a licensed product with a massive cultural impact. As a humble consumer, it never makes sense to me how there isn’t more of these kinds of videogames, except of course its absence is filled in with games about zombies and facial-shooting. As much as Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena remains awesome, it still falls within the generic bounds of what a gamer expects a fighting game should be instead of what this game could have become.
I’m totally a fan of taking liberties with the source material, but let’s be honest here: Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots is a toy about knocking your younger brother’s robot head off. We could use a little “going back to basics” instead of graduating all the way to bipedal robots that walk and shoot projectiles and energy force fields. The human element of the pride and shame of competition are as integral to the success of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena as is the lo-tech enjoyment of humiliating your opponent.
This is why Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots Arena should never have been a tight, responsive fighting game featuring robots with cutting edge technology; instead, it should be a slow, lumbering beat ‘em up featuring robots of impossible design except for being made out of easily identifiable junk. Alternatively, it could be a turn-based strategy game where you have to outthink your opponent in order to knock his head off (seriously, we can’t stray from this key objective).
Another departure from your average fighting game is that robots aren’t people (the lack of breast physics gives it away), and so don’t need to adhere to such limiting rules as “rationality”. In a true Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots videogame, there is no blocking, but an average bout takes twice as long as a fighting game because robots have so much health. To compensate, the combatant inflict a lot more damage that can tear a robot inside out and still have a robot with missing limbs remain operational and dangerous (something something first Terminator movie).
A proper game about fighting robots should feature massive amounts of destruction to the point that it becomes the whole point of playing: to feature a screen full of smoke, fire, and stray parts from Radio Shack if it didn’t already go bankrupt. In fact, there should be a law that mandates every robot fighting game should allow players to tear one of them off your opponent and then beat them over the head with it.
And yet, this is what we have instead. It’s hard to be forgiving when a strong premise is wasted, but the point remains that I may just yet finish this game based on the fact that I’m playing a robot with a sword for an arm called Slamurai.

How far I got in an hour: Silver class. So many arms.
The good: The robots make daddy proud. Even the failed ones.
The bad: It’s clear the arm and leg customization is a crock as player should make choices based upon whomever they’re fighting, not to pimp their rides.
Will I play this game again once this year is over: Probably, but the world has moved on towards providing better examples of destruction and carnage, like any Burnout game
Days so far in the Year of the Play-a-DayStation: 42

The “Beautiful Game” is the Simple One: Soul Edge

Extremists and radicals are responsible for fracturing the fraternity that exists between followers of the same faith the world over. And yet, as the violence they cause threaten disunity, a refusal to confront corruption from within the institution reveals a façade that is anything but harmonious.

I’m talking about football, of course. (“Soccer” is just another way to describe a hot mom.)

It’s the international sport with an international stage, one big enough to accommodate star players who can likewise kick and artfully display the result of the opposing team blatant foul. While such theatrics are just the tip of the iceberg that makes any enjoyment of the sport into an ultimately frustrating experience, the “beautiful game” does have one thing going for it: it’s deceptively simple. It’s so easy to understand that no time is ever spent arguing what the rules are, so that more time can be spent just plain arguing.

“Kick this ball into the heart of your opponent’s defence. And no hand-sies” is as straight-forward as you can get. And as this is one of the few sports that require no explanations *, it’s also one that can be translated into a video game instantly.

I’m not sure of when the first football video game was created, but with such clear rules to victory, all you needed are eleven similarly-colored squares kicking around a smaller square and hearing a spate of white noise whenever a goal is scored.

As exhilarating it may be to win the World Cup with your square team members, video games have become more life-like and relatable since then. Players have sprouted legs and arms and are animated to provide the best possible illusion of a human being trying to control a ball as another tries to stop him at all costs (yellow card notwithstanding).

Each new iteration gives us a new trick or feature, but in the end, it’s still just eleven guys on a field passing a ball among each other until victory, just like that first blocky game, because the rules to soccer have been perfect ever since it was invented.

It’s hard to compare video games with football because the latter has hundreds of years of tradition and history to make it what it is today. And yet, sometimes, the right people with the right idea under right circumstances make the perfect game.

That game is Soul Edge (1997). Almost twenty years later, the brilliance of this game has not dimmed, but instead confirms its place as a classic of its generation.

Despite the preference by gamers for sequels for being improvements upon a basic formula, Soul Edge is a game they got right the first time. Like football video games, all changes made in future instalments are cosmetic or improved features, but nothing fundamental about the gameplay has been altered.

Even though the roster would increase, cleavage would grow and the layers of cheese continued to build, later Soul Calibur video games all have have the heart of the original Soul Edge beating inside it: a simple-to-learn fighter with increasing complex combos to learn that graphically performs like a beast so you can enjoy every last moment of it—the bar was never set higher for fighting games than Soul Edge, and it’s a delight to watch it still perform wonderfully almost two decades later.

It is definitely much easier to see things in perspective once you get the advantage of seeing it as history, but alternatively, it’s much more exciting to discover something with the passage of time on its mantle. Players tend to eschew old video games, but they can’t ignore Soul Edge: it’s the “beautiful game” that was done right the first time around.

* Golf being the other one, in which it’s just like football except with no opponent, and the context is difference.

How far I got in 15 minutes: got my ass kicked as the ninja girl and the Greek
The good: It’s like looking a a star in the sky, looking back into million of years of history
The bad: no breast physics; apparently it’s a feature to be implemented for future generations
Would I play this game once this year is up: Between this and porn, I’d think anyone’s needs could be met
Days so far in the Year of the Play-a-DayStation: 20